Utah Too Much...

All year at school my daughter has been struggling with one little girl in her class; she seems to go out of her way to insult, belittle or generally discourage my daughter. As her mom it is my job to encourage her and advise her in this matter but lately I am just at a loss. I was teased constantly and terribly all throughout my schooling for things ranging from what I was wearing to how I did my hair. What I was always told by all of the adults in my life was "kids tease you because they are jealous". At what point do we stop lying to our kids and ourselves and get real? The kids teasing me could not possibly have been jealous of me. They were always more popular, had more money and just seemed to have an easier time in life. I was always told "maybe they are jealous of something they see inside of you that they know is missing from inside of themselves". This could have been true, I suppose, if they had ever taken the time to even get to know who I was inside.

I want to tell my daughter that this girl in her class gives her so many problems because she is jealous of her. That is the simple explanation. That is the explanation that would protect her emotionally and give me the sense that I am doing my job as her mother. I just can't do it, though. I can't look my daughter in the face and lie to her. My gut instinct is to tell my daughter that this girl is just a little snot and that she isn't worth the air she breathes, but I can't do that either. To be completely truthful I have mental images of myself waiting after school for this little girl, tripping her and laughing as her lunch box soars through the air, all the while telling her what a horrible person she is... What can I say? You mess with my kids and you poke the Mama Bear. I will show restraint, however, and I doubt I will assault this child either verbally or physically. I do have to keep reminding myself this is a seven year old girl we are talking about here.

But what do I tell her, then? Why are kids mean to each other? One explanation is that they learn it by watching their parents. I would love to tell my daughter that the teasing ends when she gets out of school. Not the case. Adults are just as mean, they are just a little more subtle about it. Grown women still talk about me behind my back, gossip about my personal life no matter how little they actually know about it and avoid contact with me or my children because of opinions they have formed about the way I am dressed or whether or not I attend church on Sundays. Another reason could be the society in which we raise our children. Those who rise to the top usually do so at the expense of others. Everything is a competition, every person below you a notch on your belt. Is the explanation really the issue here, though?

My job is to raise a happy and confident girl who will show the world no mercy and is capable of setting goals and meeting them. What then will I tell her about her current situation? I will tell her that there are people in the world who are mean and that's all there is to it. Nothing she says or does is going to keep this little girl from trying to make her miserable so the best thing she can do is decide to not let it bring her down. The worst thing she could do is lower herself to the girl's level and strike back (though tempting it may be). I want to tell her that karma will come back on this girl and she will grow up to be miserable, ugly and alone because this is what I always imagined for my tormentors. The truth, however, is that she will probably grow up to be successful and happy with a gorgeous husband and perfect kids navigating easily through the social hierarchy that is adulthood. The only thing my daughter can do is make sure she doesn't climb her own ladder by stepping on others'.